The best and worst part about being a twenty-something is that every decision you make can change the rest of your life. Once you're in your 30's or 40's, it gets harder and harder to reinvent yourself. In this Q&A with Dr. Meg Jay, the clinical psychologist explains why the twenties matter, and how to make the most of them. -- Megan Erickson, Ed.
处在二十几岁的好处同时也是坏处就是你所做的每个决定都将改变你的余生。一旦你到了三四十岁再想彻底改变自己就难上加难了。为什么二十几岁这么关键呢？我们又该如何把握好这一时期呢？关于这些问题我采访了临床心理学家Meg Jay博士（《决定性的十年》一书的作者）——梅根·埃里克森（Big Think编辑）
Big Think: Why are the 20s so important?
Big Think（以下为BT）：为什么二十几岁这么重要呢？
Dr. Meg Jay: Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. Female fertility peaks at 28. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.
Meg Jay（以下为MJ）：20到30岁之间是成人后起决定作用的十年：人生中80%最重要的决定性时刻都出现在我们35岁左右，人生中2/3的工资增长发生在我们职业生涯的前十年，超过一半的美国人是在30岁之前结婚、约会或者与未来的另一半同居，20到30岁之间个性的改变要比生命中其他的十年间的改变大得多，女性生育能力在28岁达到顶峰，大脑也在到达成年发展期后结束了最后一次的急速增长。30岁不可能再像20岁一样了。就算你什么也不做，不做任何选择也一样是一种选择。不要被你过去不了解或者没做过的事情所限制。
BT: You write about several cases of recent grads who feel they're drowning or floundering around in the world waiting for something to happen. Has it always been this hard to thrive in early adulthood?
BT：你写到几个案例，是关于现在的许多毕业生感觉自己在社会中沉溺着挣扎着等待事情的发生，难道在成年早期获得成长总是这么难吗？
MJ: No. There are 50 million 20somethings in the United States most of whom are living with a staggering, unprecedented amount of uncertainty. Many no idea what they will be doing, where they will be living, or who they will be with in 2 or 10 years. They don't know when they'll be happy or when they will be able to pay their bills. They wonder if they should be photographers or lawyers or event planners. They don't know whether they are a few dates or many years from a meaningful relationship. They worry about whether they will have families or whether their marriages will last. Most simply, they don't know whether their lives will work out and they don't know what to do. Uncertainty makes people anxious and distraction is the 21st-Century opiate of the masses. So too many 20somethings are tempted, and even encouraged, to just turn away and hope for the best. That's not the way to go.
MJ：不是的。在美国有五千万二十多岁的年轻人，他们中的大多数都过着迷茫的生活，面对着空前的不确定性，很多人都不知道未来二到十年要做什么、住在哪儿、和谁在一起，他们不知道何时能感到幸福、何时才能付得起账单，他们不清楚自己是否有可能成为摄影师还是律师甚至是规划师，他们不确定是几天亦或是几年之后才能获得一份有意义的关系，他们担心自己会不会有家庭、婚姻是否能长久。简而言之，就是怀疑人生又不知所措。不确定性是21世纪的“大众鸦片”，让人陷入深深的焦虑和困扰。所以有那么多二十几岁的年轻人被这种不确定性所诱惑，甚至在其怂恿下只是一味逃避却幻想得到最好的结果，这是行不通的。
BT: One of the main themes in the book is the line between thinking and doing. You argue that it's more important to just do something than to waste years dreaming up the perfect path. How can 20-somethings to put this idea into action?
BT：这本书的主旨之一就是“想”和“做”的界线。你认为真正做点实事比花上好几年去设计最完美的路线更重要。那么年轻人们怎样把这一想法付诸行动呢？
MJ: One of my favorite quotes is by American Psychologist Sheldon Kopp: "The unlived life isn't worth examining." Too many 20somethings have been led to believe that their 20s are for thinking about what they want to do and their 30s are for getting going on real life. But there is a big difference between having a life in your 30s and starting a life in your 30s. Even Erik Erikson, the father of the identity crisis, warned that young adults who spent too much time in "disengaged confusion" were "in danger of becoming irrelevant." If you want to be more intentional at work and in love, try working in a field you're curious about. Try dating someone who is different from that last person who turned out to be a disaster, and try conducting yourself a bit differently while you're at it. Sure the 20s are for experimenting, but not just with philosophies and vacations and substances. The 20s are your best chance to experiment with jobs and relationships. Then each move can be more intentional and more informed than the last.
MJ：我最喜欢的名言之一就是美国心理学家谢尔顿·柯普说的：“行尸走肉的生命不值得探究。”（"The unlived life isn't worth examining."）太多二十几岁的年轻人被引导去相信二十几岁就是想想自己想干点什么，三十几岁才是开始真正生活的时候。但是“三十几岁拥有生活”和“三十几岁开始生活”两者之间是有很大区别的。就连“同一性危机”之父爱利克·埃里克都曾提醒那些花太多时间试图“脱离困惑”的年轻人，这样会有“变得无关紧要的危险”。如果你想在工作或者恋爱方面更有计划些，可以试着先在你感兴趣的领域工作，试着和一个与你上次的糟糕对象不同的人约会，试着掌控自己从而表现出一点点不同。二十几岁当然是要去尝试去探索的，但不只局限于人生观、度假以及物质，二十几岁是你探索工作和恋情的最好机会。你每前进一步都要比之前更有规划、更有见识。
BT: How do you suggest they track their progress toward their future goals? Are milestones like 21 and 30 important?
BT：你是如何建议年轻人朝着他们未来的目标不断进步的？像21岁30岁这样里程碑式的年龄很重要吗？
MJ: Absolutely. Milestones--21, 25, 30, New Year's, birthdays, reunions--are important because they trigger self-reflection. Am I where I wanted to be by this age? Did I do what I said I would do this year? If not, why not. And if not now, when? A savvy 20something who interviewed me recently told me about a question she was advised to ask herself as she moved through adulthood: "If you keep living your life exactly as it is, where will you be in 3 years?" If you don't like the answer, now is the time to change course.
MJ：当然很重要。21岁、25岁、30岁、新年、生日、团聚，这些都是容易触发自我反省的重要里程碑。到目前这个岁数我是不是在自己理想的地方？我有没有做到今年对自己的承诺？如果没有，问问自己为什么。如果现在还没实现，问问自己什么时候才能实现。最近有一个二十几岁很有悟性的女孩采访我，她告诉我她在成长道路上前进时一直问自己一个问题：“如果像现在这样地生活下去，你三年后会在哪？”如果答案不是你喜欢的，那现在就该做出改变了。
Besides, do you know what's not cool? Sitting across from the 30somethings who cry in my office every week because they've run out of time to have the careers and the families they now realize they want. They look at me and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?"
对自己的未来保持诚实的一个方法就是制定时间表。到多少岁的时候可以辞掉这份没前途的工作？希望什么时候结婚？希望什么时候要第一个孩子？希望什么时候要最后一个孩子？制定时间表这一举动似乎不是很“酷”，承认自己有个时间表也不是很“酷”，但是你又不需要把它刻在石头上，这只是你计划未来生活的一种方式。而且，你知道什么才“不酷”吗？几乎每周都有三十几岁的客户来我办公室坐在我对面痛哭，因为他们意识到现在再想拥有自己渴望的事业渴望的家庭为时已晚了，他们无助的望着我对我说：“我二十多岁的时候到底在些干什么啊？！我当时是咋想的啊？！”
BT: About 25% of recent grads are unemployed, and 25% are underemployed. What is your advice for those who simply can't find a job?
BT：现在大约有25%的毕业生处于失业状态，还有25%的半失业，你对那些找不到工作的毕业生有什么建议吗？
MJ: Yes, half of 20somethings are un- or underemployed. But half aren't, so my first piece of advice is to figure out how to get yourself into that group. Most often, the way to do this is through what is called "the strength of weak ties." The strength of weak ties is from sociologist Mark Granovetter's work on social networks. What he found was that new information and opportunities usually come from outside of our inner circle. That foot-in-the-door at the company where you want to work isn't going to come from your best friends--your strong ties--or you would already be working there. That job lead is going to come from weak ties, or from people you hardly know. Email your aunt's neighbor or that old professor or your roommate's friend from college.
MJ：是的，几乎一半的二十几岁的年轻人处于失业或半失业状态，但是还有一半是找到工作的啊，所以我第一条建议就是好好想想自己怎么才能融入人家的圈子。通常说来，方法就是通过所谓的“弱连带优势”（the strength of weak ties）。“弱连带优势”出自社会学家马克·格兰诺维特对社交网络的研究，他从中发现新的消息和机会通常来源于你所在圈子以外的范围。到你想去的公司工作，你所迈出的第一步绝不可能是来自于你最好的朋友们——也就是你的强关系——否则你早就在那儿工作了。引领你得到这份工作的将是你的弱关系或者是你压根就不认识的人。像是你姨妈的邻居或者是有名望的老教授又或者是你室友的朋友……没事儿给他们发个电邮联系联系吧！
That's how people are getting jobs--especially good jobs--even in a tough economy. Most 20somethings hate the idea of asking outsiders for favors, but those who won't do this fall behind those who will. 20somethings who sit on the sidelines because of a bad economy will never catch up with those who figured out how to get in the game.
这就是人们怎么找到工作的——特别是好工作——即便是在经济不景气的时候。大多数二十几岁的年轻人不喜欢求外人帮忙，但是不做这些的人就要比做的人落后了。因为经济不景气就坐以待毙的人永远也追不上那些想方设法进入游戏中去的人。
For those 20somethings who already have jobs but who are underemployed, it is crucial to remember that not all underemployment is the same. Be sure you have a job that is allowing you to earn some form of identity capital. Maybe you have a low-rung job at a hot company that adds value to your resume. Maybe you're ringing up health food so you can devote your mental efforts to cramming for the LSAT at night. Whatever you're doing should make the next thing you'd like to try seem more possible.
对于那些虽然找到工作却不是自己满意的年轻人，记住一点很重要，那就是并非所有的不充分就业都是一样的。你需要确保自己有一份能让你从中得到身份资本的工作。也许你在一家竞争激烈的公司有份职位很低却能为你简历加分的工作，也许你订了份健康的食物好让你一晚上能集中心力准备法学院入学考试，也就是说，你现在在做的任何事情都应该让你离下一个目标更近一步。
MJ: Don't let culture trivialize your life and work and relationships. Don't hang out only with people who are drinking the 30-is-the-new-20 kool-aid. I cannot tell you how many emails I have received from 30somethings since The Defining Decade came out, ones in which the writer says something like, "I used to roll my eyes at my peers who were determined to meet benchmarks--graduate school, real relationships, decent-paying jobs that reflect their interests--on time or early. Now I'm envious and admiring of them. Now I'm working twice as hard for half the result." Don't shrug your shoulders and say, "I'm in my 20s. What I'm doing doesn't count." Recognize that what you do, and what you don't do, will have an enormous impact across years and even generations. You're deciding your life right now.
MJ：别让文化舆论平庸了你的生活、工作、关系。别尽和那些满口说着“三十岁咱又是一条好汉！”的人出去鬼混。《决定性的十年》一书出版以来，我都数不清收到多少三十多岁的人的邮件，有人这样写道“我过去常常对那些决心按时或提前完成人生基准（从学校毕业，有份真正的恋爱关系，有份收入体面自己又感兴趣的工作）的同伴不以为然。现在我对他们简直是羡慕嫉妒恨，因为我正花着两倍的力气辛苦工作才得到人家一半的回报。”所以不要很无所谓地耸耸肩说：“我才二十多岁，现在做什么根本不重要。”知道什么该做什么不该做，这将影响你的一生甚至是下一代。你正在决定着你要过的生活。
BT: As a clinical psychologist, what advice do you have for coping with emotions like anxiety which inevitably arise during times of economic uncertainty?
BT：经济不稳定时期人们难免会产生焦虑等情绪问题，作为临床心理学家对此你有没有什么好的建议？
MJ: Given that life and the brain change so much across our 20s, this is the perfect time to learn new coping strategies. It's not okay to go to work with scars on your arms from cutting, it's not acceptable to scream at friends when things go wrong, and live-in girlfriends get tired of seeing us stoned every night. These are the years to learn to calm yourself down. Gain some control over your emotions. Sure, there's Xanax, which a recent conference presenter I heard only half-jokingly called "Jack Daniels in a Pill." But practice calming techniques that can work over the long run: exercise, therapy, mindfulness, yoga, cognitive meditation, deep breathing, healthy distraction, dialectical behavior therapy. Use your rational mind to counter the anxious and catastrophic thoughts you have: "I probably won't be fired because I dropped one phone call." Try to create your own certainty by making healthy choices and commitments that off-set the upheaval in the world around.
MJ：鉴于20到30岁之间生活和大脑都会有很大改变，这十年是你学习新的应对策略的最佳时机。带着手臂上的伤疤去上班是不合适的，事情出差错的时候对着朋友尖叫是不可接受的，同居的女友已经厌倦了看到每晚宿醉而归的你。这十年你该学着冷静下来了，学着控制自己的情绪。当然，是有种叫做镇定剂的东西存在，我听说最近一个会议主持人半开玩笑地叫它“用威士忌做成的药片”。练习镇定的技巧却可以起到长久的效果：锻炼、治疗、专注、瑜伽、认知冥想、深呼吸、适当的分心、辩证行为疗法等等。用你理智的头脑反击焦虑等灾难性的思想，比如：“我不会因为漏接了一个电话而被解雇的。”在大环境发生剧变的情况下，你要通过做出正确的选择和承诺努力为自己创造稳定。
BT: We loved this quote: "Claiming a career and getting a good job isn't the end, it's the beginning." Can you explain this a bit?
BT：我们都喜欢这句名言：“拥有一份事业和一个好工作并不是一个结束，而是新的开始。”你能为我们解释一下这句话吗？
MJ: Most 20somethings are terrified of being pinned down. They're afraid that if they choose a career or a job, they are closing off their other options and somehow their freedom will be gone and their lives will be over. In fact, getting a good job is the beginning. It's the beginning of not hating that question, "What do you do?" It's the beginning of having something on your resume that might help you get that next job you want even more. It's the beginning of not overdrawing your bank account because of a flat tire. It's the beginning of feeling like you could actually think about dating since your time isn't taken up working those three part-time jobs you have in order to avoid a "real job." Research shows that getting going in the work world is the beginning of feeling happier, more confident, competent, and emotionally stable in adulthood.
MJ：大多数二十几岁的年轻人都害怕被制约，他们担心如果自己有了一份事业就像关上了其他的门一样，自由也不复存在，舒服的小日子就此结束。事实上，找到一份好工作是一个新的开始。从此以后你再也不用害怕别人问你“你是做什么的？”了，从此以后你的简历就会更加丰富有助于你得到下一份你想要的工作了，从此以后你再也不会因为车胎漏气而透支银行账户了，从此以后你就可以把以前没有正式工作时做三份兼职的时间空出来去约会了。研究表明，投入工作可以让你变得更幸福、更自信、更有能力、情绪更稳定。
BT: Can you discuss some of the current neurobiological research, and how that impacted your writing?
MJ：目前为止，大家可能都听说了青少年的大脑并没有完全发育，我们大脑的额叶部分是负责规划未来以及处理一些没有明确答案的问题的，而这部分直到我们二十几岁的时候才能完全发育成熟。不幸的是，额叶晚熟的事实被解读成：二十几岁的年轻人在大脑成熟之前只能无所事事地空等。关于二十几岁年轻人的大脑仍在发育这一研究真正想传递的信息是：无论你是不是想改变自己，二十几岁都是最容易发生改变的时期。这一时期的工作和爱好有没有让你变得更聪明？这一时期的恋爱关系有没有完善你的个性或者强化了你的老一套模式又或者让你养成了坏习惯？这一时期你每天做的事都让你成为你想成为的成年人的样子。我之所以喜欢处理二十几岁年轻人的问题，原因之一就是：帮助他们太简单了，因为他们——他们的大脑、他们的生活——都可以改变得那么迅速那么彻底。
MJ: By now probably everyone has heard that the teen brain is not fully developed and that the frontal lobe--the part of the brain where we plan for the future and tackle questions that don't have black-and-white answers--does not reach full "maturity" until sometime during our 20s.
ps.这篇文章还是说的不无道理的，只是道理都知道，真正做起来就不那么容易了……总之，二十几岁的你我共勉吧！
Unfortunately, this fact about the late-maturing frontal lobe has been interpreted as a directive for 20somethings to wait around for their brains to grow up. The real take-home message about the still-developing 20something brain is that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the easiest time to change it. Is your 20something job, or hobby, making you smarter? Are your 20something relationships improving your personality or are they reinforcing old patterns and teaching bad habits?
pps.了解更多可以读一下这本书~The Defining Decade 决定性的十年
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