WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) released the following holiday letter to the American people:
华盛顿 （Borowitz 恶搞专栏） — — 今天，众议院议员约翰·伯纳发出了以下一封至美国公民的一封信。
Dear American People:
亲爱的美国公民：
It’s Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I won’t mince words. I’ve started drinking a little early this Christmas.
我是约翰，向大家写这个有史以来的第一封，也是最后一封假期问候信件。你可能要问，过了这么多年我为什么要这么做？好吧， 我不会闪烁其词。这是因为在这个圣诞节我已经提前喝了些酒。
Yes, I’m sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, he’d shit a phone book. But guess what? I don’t fucking care anymore.
是的，我坐在这里，在我的男人洞，而且脸色发红，像镶嵌的红木，正在一个加拿大俱乐部作为选手参加射击活动，悠然自得的抽着烟，经过一个像是最后创作的奶油夹心饼干一样的幸运卡通物旁。如果我的主席知道我正衣衫褴褛，呕吐不止的给你们写信，他肯定将会对着电话本拉一泡屎。你觉得会怎样？我他妈才不管那么多。
You see, this will be my last Christmas as Speaker of the House, all because a cabal of Tea Party miscreants in the House of Representatives doesn’t think I’m a ginormous enough asshole for their taste. Who’s more to their liking? Virginia’s own Eric Cantor. As a waiter might say at an all-you-can-eat shit buffet, “Excellent choice.” How odious is Eric Cantor? Let me put it this way: when we have to speak to the press, I actually prefer to stand next to Mitch McConnell.
你知道，这将是我作为众议院议长过的最后一个圣诞节，所有的一切只是因为一个蓄有阴谋的茶党，一个众议院的奸人认为我是一个极大的混蛋，觉得我不合乎他的品味，不能对他毕恭毕敬甘愿效劳。“更重要的是适合他们的品味吗？弗吉尼亚的埃里克康托尔。“作为一个服务员他可能会说你们都他妈去吃狗屎自助餐吧 “这是你们最佳的品味选择”。埃里克康托尔很可恶吗？我还是这么说吧：当我们不得不对记者讲话时，我更希望能够站在米奇·麦康奈尔旁。
What will life be like under Speaker of the House Eric Cantor? Well, he’s the guy who recommended cuts in disaster funding just hours after tornadoes hit Joplin, Missouri. Nice. And it was his “never met a dick-measuring contest I didn’t like” pathology that helped create last year’s debt-ceiling crisis. You can’t put a price tag on a performance like that. Well, actually you can: it cost the country nineteen billion dollars. Starting to miss me already, aren’t you? Fuck you.
如果在克康托尔的领导下我们的生活将会怎样？好吧，当龙卷风刚袭击密苏里州·乔普林·尼尔后，他就是那个推荐减少救灾资金的家伙，就是他的那个我不喜欢的什么阴茎测量的糟糕理论促使了去年债务的上限危机。你不能像表演似的贴上个债务价格的标签，但是，事实上你是这样：你使国家损失了一千九十亿美元。是不是开始怀念我了，不是吗？你他妈的。
So have a very Eric Cantor Christmas, America, and as that smug four-eyed sociopath drives the entire nation off the cliff, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now leave me alone, God damn you. Damn you all to hell.
所以我们过了一个非常埃里克康托尔的圣诞节，美国，正是这个自鸣得意的四眼反社会的家伙把整个国家推向了悬崖，别说我没提醒你。现在让我一个人走吧，去你妈的。你们都去下地狱吧。
Happy Holidays,
节日快乐
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