Because complaining is good for your relationship.
因为抱怨有利于维护婚姻关系。
Not about every little thing, but when it comes to the things that matter to you (like not wanting to fall into the toilet when it’s pitch dark at 2:00 am and you’ve really got to go), complain! The reason is this: not complaining and, instead, letting those concerns build up could do more harm than good. The longer you wait, the bigger the problem gets, and the more irrational you become. When you finally explode, and you will, chances are that your complaint won’t come out with a cute (however rough around the edges) note. It will be war.
不是说所有琐事都要抱怨，而是当那些你十分看重的事情（比如半夜两点，你起身上厕所，周围黑漆漆的，你可不愿掉进马桶里）出现问题时，一定要抱怨！因为：如果你不抱怨，而是让这些焦虑逐渐堆积起来，那不仅没有好处，反而十分危险。你隐忍的时间越长，问题就会变得越来越大，你也会变得越来越不理性。等有一天你完全爆发了，你就不可能用个貌似粗暴实则机智的留言来倾泻所有的怨言，你会引发一场战争。
So complaining is good, but it has to be done right.
所以说抱怨是十分有益的，当然，也必须讲究方式方法。
Researchers distinguish between complaints and criticisms. Complaints are specific concerns about what a person is doing, whereas criticisms are global attacks on why on earth they would ever be doing it.
研究人员将抱怨和批评做了区分。抱怨是就事论事，而批评则是就事论人。
Shifting from toilet seats to the perennial toothpaste-tube squeezing preferences, a good complaint sounds like this: Honey, it makes me crazy to see the toothpaste squeezed in the middle because then it will be hard to use it all—and you know how thrifty I am. So can you please remember to start from the end?
除了马桶圈的问题，挤牙膏的方式也是经常争论的话题。如果就此事进行抱怨，我们可以这样说：亲爱的，每次看到你从中间开始挤牙膏我就很上火，因为这样就很难把牙膏用干净——你知道我可是个很节俭的人哦。所以麻烦你从牙膏管的尾部向前挤，好吗？
Whereas a criticism sounds like this: I’ve told you about the toothpaste 100 times! What is your problem? You never listen to me! You’re such a slob! Nothing matters to you except your stupid football games! Well I could care less about that!
而如果是批评的话，就像这样：挤牙膏的问题，我说过无数次了！你到底怎么回事？我说的话你从来不听！你太邋遢啦！除了愚蠢的足球比赛，你什么也不关心！我也不管啦！
We don’t have to put on our thinking caps to know which approach gets better results. When you complain, you have a win-win: your partner gets to be the hero, just by not squeezing the middle of the tube and everyone’s happy. When you criticize, you’re left with shame and blame. Who would want to touch that with a ten-foot pole? And what even happened to the toothpaste tube issue? Lost in the rapid-fire attack. No wonder the other person never listens.
我们无需多想，就知道那种方法更好。抱怨能让你实现双赢：仅仅通过从牙膏管的尾部而不是中间开始挤牙膏，你的配偶就可以博取你的欢心，这对两个人来说都是件值得高兴的事儿。如果采用批评的方式，你得到的只能是难堪和谴责。谁愿意做这种傻事呢？而且，在激烈的唇枪舌战中，怎么挤牙膏的问题早就被抛在了脑后。长此以往，对方又怎么会听取你的意见呢？
Now you may be thinking, why should I work to tailor my complaints about my partner if he (or she) is the one who is doing something wrong (and has been doing it wrong for a long, long time)?
现在你可能会想，这事儿是他/她的错，而且，他/她总做不好，我对他/她抱怨，干吗还要考虑措辞？
Which gets to the final point: what is your desired effect? Is it to improve your relationship or to make your partner feel bad or corrected? You have to want change more than justice or revenge. When you are ready to make things better—for both of you—then and only then is it time to dive in. Here are eight ways to be most effective when you do:
考虑一下下面哪一点最重要：你希望得到什么样的结果？你是想要改善你们两人的关系还是想要令你的配偶难堪或受到惩罚？你寻求的应该是改变，而不是正义或报复。只有当你愿意为了你们两人而做得更好时，你才能开始抱怨。以下是实现有效抱怨的八个方法：
1. Be Specific: It’s Not About Everything Your Partner Does Wrong, It’s About This One Thing
1. 就事论事。不要抱怨配偶所做的所有事情，只需关注目前这一件事
Don’t do the rapid fire attack, this isn’t character assassination 101; stick with the one thing that is bothering you most right now and leave your partner’s character intact (remember, you love that part).
不要连珠炮似地攻击你的配偶，更不能让你的抱怨成为人身攻击大全；要专注于目前最让你头疼的一件事，不要贬损配偶的品质（记住，你爱他的品质）。
2. Keep it Current: Stick With the Present
2. 切勿翻旧账：关注眼下
Do you keep magazines on your coffee table from 5 or 10 or 20 years ago? Of course not, those are old issues. Exactly.
你的咖啡桌上难道摆着五年、十年甚至是二十年前的杂志吗？
3. Be a Newscaster: Don’t Judge, Report
3. 做一名新闻播音员：只报导，不评判
Only the facts, please. Once you start making judgments, not only might you misjudge the “why” behind the behavior, but even if you’re a little bit right when you say someone is lazy or inattentive—it’s highly unlikely that it will bring the kind of change you’re after.
请只讲事实。一旦开始评判，你就有可能对行为背后的原因做出错误的判断，即使你的判断有那么一点点正确，但当你说一个人懒惰或心不在焉时，你也很难使对方做出你想要的改变。
4. Avoid the Absolutes of “Always” and “Never”
4. 避免使用过于绝对的词汇，如“总是”、“从不”等
You never help! You always duck out when there’s work to be done! We’re not going to rush right up to the counter and claim those attributes. Don’t generalize; focus on the present: “I need your help with the groceries now.”
你从来不帮忙！一要干活你就跑！我们不能这样随便地给对方贴上这样的标签。不要以偏概全，要关注眼前：“现在我需要你帮我一起买菜。”
5. Know Your Rights
5. 了解自己的权利
As much as the world would be a more perfect place if this were true, we aren’t entitled to our partners being mind-reading geniuses who live for our every need. And we aren’t entitled to demand someone do something our way just because (we think) it’s better or right. We are, however, entitled to ask. It’s different. Don’t go in assuming that your way is the only right way. Explain why something matters to you. Logic, delivered calmly, often prevails.
如果配偶能够跟我们心灵相通，时时刻刻了解并满足我们的需求该多好！可惜，我们没有权利这样要求对方。我们也没有权利要求某人要按照我们的方式做某件事，原因仅仅是（我们以为）这种方式更好或这种方式正确。但是，我们的确有权请求。这一点是不同的。不要告诉对方你的方式是唯一正确的方式，要向他/她解释清楚为什么这么做对你很重要。逻辑清晰、表达清楚，往往能够成功。
6. Be Kind (And Use Humor) Whenever Possible
6. 尽量做到态度和善、表达幽默
Levity is another word for generosity. You are literally sharing a laugh. It might take an extra second to find the humor in a situation, but given the momentum and good will it creates, it’s a great time-saver in the end.
表述轻松可以体现你的大度。抱怨的时候，你的确是在分享笑料。找个应景的幽默说法可能要费点功夫，但从长远来看，由此传递的良好愿望和改进动力会为你节约更多时间。
7. Use Compassion to De-Criminalize the Offense (And Maybe Even Let it Go)
7. 用体恤的心态对待对方无意的冒犯行为（甚至忽视这种行为）
Is there a method to your partner’s madness? Does it drive you crazy how long he takes to choose a date-night restaurant? Challenge yourself to find a good reason why. Is he so dedicated to your happiness that he doesn’t want to disappoint you? Too hard on himself? Hardly a crime. Accepting that, you may switch gears and seize the opportunity to read or do your nails while you’re waiting, but if you decide you want him to be less thorough (i.e., faster), you’ll go into that discussion with an open heart rather than an attack weapon.
配偶有时候很让人抓狂，你找到应对的方法了吗？他花多久确定约会的餐厅会让你恼怒吗？问问你自己他为什么这样做，替他找个好理由。是不是他太爱你怕让你失望？是不是他对自己太过严苛？如果这样做算不上什么罪过，那就随他去吧。调整一下自己的速度，趁此机会看看书或修修指甲。但如果你希望他不要那么事事周全，也就是说你希望他能提高效率，就应该同他推心置腹地谈一谈，而不要牙尖嘴利地攻击他。
8. Make Requests, Not Demands, and Get the Handshake
8. 提出请求，得到对方的认可，而不是强硬要求
How do you avoid becoming a nag? Don’t lecture or make demands. That allows the other party to be passive and just hope you finish soon. Instead: make an agreement. An agreement takes two and starts with a conversation: “I’d like help with the dishes. Can you do that? When? Do you want my help remembering? Is there something else you’d rather do instead to pitch in?” Without a two-way conversation, there is no commitment and no accountability. Don’t think high emotional confrontation: think business meeting. Consequences if agreements are broken? Sure if you like. But the biggest consequence is weakening your relationship; if you’re going to do business or anything else together, follow-through is a must.
怎样避免唠叨呢？不要说教或提出硬性要求，否则对方会觉得很被动，希望你尽快停止。相反，应该努力达成一致协议。要达成一致需要两人共同参与，相互协商：“得有人洗碗，你能帮我吗？什么时候可以帮我？需要我提醒你吗？你有其他事情要做吗？”如果没有双向交流，就不会有承诺，也不会有责任心。别总想着高度情绪化的对抗：想象一下商务会谈。协议破裂后会有什么后果？当然如果你不介意这种后果也无所谓。但最严重的后果就是你们的关系会被削弱；如果你们一起做生意或其他事情，后期跟进则是必须的。
After 27 years of marriage, my husband and I have had our fair share of toilet seat lid and toothpaste-tube discussions. But make no mistake. This is how we got here. Underneath these deceptively small details is the real deal. The mother lode. These complaints are really about respect: Can you respect my preferences even if (or especially if) they don’t matter to you? Respect is at the foundation of any relationship that is going to work, so the most fulfilling relationships are built on the brick and mortar of these ground-level concerns. No matter how lofty your aspirations in your relationship, no foundation, no go.
在27年的婚姻生活中，我和丈夫就马桶圈和挤牙膏问题进行过讨论。但请不要理解错了，正因如此，我们才能一起生活到现在。在这些琐碎的假象背后，掩藏着的实质才是最重要的，它是所有事情的主脉。所有这些抱怨都彰显尊重的原则：你能尊重我的喜好吗，即使它们对你来说无所谓？尊重是一切关系存续的基础，因此，令人满意的关系都是建立在这些基本问题之上的。不论你抱有多么崇高的愿望，没有坚实的基础，任何关系都没有发展的可能。
So next time you are unhappy with something in your relationship—pause and see the opportunity for these little complaints to do their work for you, or else… I may… be forced to… No, no, no… just kidding! You’ll see just how much stronger your relationship becomes.
所以，下次当你发现生活中有什么不满意的事情时，停下来，想想如何小小地抱怨一下，否则，我可能······被迫······不，不，不，跟你开个玩笑！你会发现你与配偶之间的关系越来越和谐。
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