We all know that couples fight about money. In fact, as many fights are debt-centric, the holidays are high season for knock down drag out financial brawls.
众所周知，夫妻之间经常因为经济问题发生争吵。事实上，许多人争吵的核心问题都与债务有关，而节日季更是经济问题导致争吵的高发期。
But the fact that one in 10 married folks thinks their spouse is a financial bully? That headline, from a recent CreditKarma.com survey, was news to me—which makes me think it'll be news to you, too (I've been covering this world for 20 years.)
信用分查询网站CreditKarma.com近期一份调查的大标题称，事实上，每十对夫妻中就有一对认为家中存在“经济暴力”。这种说法对我而言很新鲜（我本人研究经济问题已经有20年之久）——而且我认为许多读者肯定也是第一次听说。
What exactly is financially bullying? When we talk about teen bullying or online bullying or workplace bullying, it's when a person in a position of power intimidates another person to do what they want. Financial bullying is very much the same, says Relationship Therapist Argie J. Allen, Ph. D. Director of Clinical Training at Drexel University's Couple and Family Therapy Department. "Financial bullying is all about power and control. So one spouse might be particularly dictatorial – and intimidating -- over how the other handles money. It's also a sign of trouble to come. "The less financial freedom a person has, the more vulnerable they are in the relationship.
到底什么是经济暴力？我们所说的青少年暴力、网络暴力或者职场暴力等，都是指拥有权力的一方，威胁其他人按自己的意愿去做事。德雷塞尔大学（Drexel University）夫妻与家庭治疗系（Couple and Family Therapy Department）的临床训练主任、关系治疗师阿吉•J•艾伦博士认为，经济暴力与其他暴力行为基本相同。“经济暴力的根源也是权力和控制。也就是说，夫妻一方对于对方如何花钱，态度上非常专横，令人惧怕。这也是夫妻关系即将出现问题的标志。”一个人的经济自由越少，在这种关系当中就越容易受到伤害。
Before we take a look at the specific bullying behaviors (CreditKarma isolated five) and what to do about them, let's dispense with some pre-conceived notions. According to the research, bullying is an equal opportunity offense. Just as many men feel bullied as women. It's actually more common among the younger members of the Millennial and Y generations than it is among Xers and Boomers. And, it happens across the economic spectrum. Lisa Hatcher, a financial planner in Richmond, VA who has written on the subject, says she sees it among six-figure earners as well as people who earn substantially less.
我们在研究这些具体的暴力行为（CreditKarma将经济暴力行为分成了五种）和应对方法之前，首先要抛弃一些先入为主的观念。据CreditKarma网站的调查显示，经济暴力现象不存在性别差异。感觉受到欺负的男性与女性比例基本相同。这种现象在千禧一代和Y一代的年轻人当中要比在X一代和婴儿潮一代更加普遍。而且，经济暴力不分阶层。弗吉尼亚州里士满市的理财规划师丽莎•哈彻曾就此写过文章，表示自己亲眼见过收入高达六位数的家庭和低收入家庭同样存在经济暴力现象。
Here are four of the most common bullying behaviors – and advice for how to deal:
以下是四种最常见的暴力行为和应对建议：
• Makes me feel guilty for my shopping habits. First, consider whether or not you have anything to feel "guilty" about. Whether you're buying groceries for your family – or gifts for everyone on your holiday list – knowing you're shopping smartly, not going overboard and keeping within the family budget, can help you shut down a bully's ability to make you feel guilty. Ask the bully to switch roles for a week – asking someone who never grocery shops or buys clothes for the kids will open their eyes to just how expensive it can be. If, on the other hand, your shopping is getting in the way of the family's ability to pay its other bills or save, chances are you feel guilty already and the bully is just piling on. Start tracking your spending independently to see where you can make cuts.
• 让我对自己的购物习惯感到愧疚。首先，考虑一下是否有什么事情让你感到“愧疚”。不论是为家人购买日用杂货，还是在节日为所有人买礼物，只要你清楚自己是在理性购物，并不过火，也没有超出家庭预算，就可以摆脱对方给你造成的愧疚感。可以要求与对方互换角色一周——这样，从来没有去过杂货店、或者说从来没有给孩子买过衣服的一方就能知道这些开销到底有多大。另一方面，如果你的购物行为已经影响到了家庭支付其他账单的能力或储蓄的计划，那么你可能已经深感愧疚，而对方的暴力只是火上浇油而已。从现在开始主动留意自己的消费情况，看看能否减少开支。
• Limits my monthly spending. This often manifests itself when one party is expected to pay all the bills for the household – or the children – and is left with no discretionary money of their own. A couple should have some consensus about how the money coming in is being spent – how much on transportation, housing, food, etc. The purpose of doing that is to have enough left over each month to save, and for each person to have some "play money" to spend, says Hatcher. If you can't figure out how to cover all of these bases on your own, a financial advisor can help you figure out a workable budget.
• 限制我每个月的开销。如果家里所有的账单或孩子的开销全部都由一方来承担，而夫妻两人能够自由支配的资金已经所剩无几，这时候这种问题往往会凸显出来。哈彻表示，夫妻双方对于收入如何分配应该达成某种共识——比如交通、住宿、食物等各方面的费用。这样做的目的是在每个月能够剩下足够的钱用于储蓄，同时让所有人都有一定的“私房钱”可以自由支配。如果自己不知道如何合理安排开销，可以要求理财顾问帮忙制定一份可行的家庭财务预算。
• Makes me show receipts for all purchases. This is about "lack of trust" as well as power and control, says Allen. It also sets up a parent/child dynamic between the couple that is unhealthy between two adults. In most cases, she says, this behavior is a symptom of larger problems that need to be addressed. "Couples therapy is definitely needed to get to the root of the problem."
• 让我提供每一次购物的收据。艾伦表示，这种做法不仅涉及权力和控制，也是“缺乏信任”的表现。它会在夫妻之间形成一种类似家长与孩子的关系，而对于两个成年人而言，这是一种不健康的关系。她表示，在大多数情况下，这种行为往往意味着夫妻之间存在更大的问题急需解决。“要想找出问题的根源，必须寻求夫妻疗法的帮助。”
• Keeps me from having credit cards. If mismanagement of credit has been a problem in the past, it needs to be addressed and dealt with. But it should not keep one spouse from having a say in the family's overall financial life. More worrisome: Other research has shown the more frequently a couple argues about money, the more likely they are to divorce. Trying to establish credit post-divorce without a credit history is a bear. The bottom line: Keeping financial secrets from a spouse isn't the best idea either. But no one can keep you from applying for a credit card on your own.
• 不准我拥有信用卡。如果过去确实出现过信用管理不当的问题，当然应该予以解决。但这并不妨碍夫妻一方在家庭经济问题上的发言权。更令人担忧的是：其他研究显示，夫妻之间因为经济问题争吵的频率越高，离婚的可能性就越大。如果没有信用记录，想在离婚之后建立信用就会是个很大的难题。总之，向对方保密自己的财务状况并不是最好的办法。但没有人能够阻止你去申请一张自己的信用卡。
Bottom line: If you feel you're being bullied, you likely are – feelings of inadequacy, low self worth, poor self image or embarrassment are hallmarks, says Allen -- and you should seek help from an independent third party like a therapist or financial advisor. Go, says Allen, even if your partner refuses to go with you.
结论：如果你感觉自己正在受到欺负，比如像艾伦所说，出现不足感、自我贬低、糟糕的自我形象或困窘等典型表现，那你应该寻求独立第三方的帮助，比如治疗师或理财顾问。艾伦建议，即使你的伴侣不愿意陪你一同前往，你也要立刻去主动寻求帮助。
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