帮一位英语角的师兄改了一篇作文,看完后我都笑个不停了.真被他的经历与创意的写作笑死了! 下面我把他原来写的与我改后的文章同时附上, 同时把我对他作文的评语也放在这里, 希望大家喜欢.我本来不打算把他的原文放上来的了,可是我觉得这篇作文毕竟是他写的,虽然我改了以后可能好点,但是大家就不能欣赏师兄原汁原味的东西了,这太可惜了,所以放上来了,希望师兄不要见怪啦! 哈哈
原文:
An embarrassing moment
Good afternoon boys and girls toady I’m going to tell a little trifle happened several weeks ago.
That day I went to canteen with three friends, two girls and a boy. While we were having dinner, a nice figure girl, with long legs in high heel, and dressed in a shoooooort skirt passed by our table. “Gorgeous “the boy in our table whispered, holding his breath and keeping his eyes on the good shape girl. “ oh, man, behave yourself “ said one girl in our table.”. “ it’s normal, I was just appreciating!!” the boy justified. “hold on” the girl said “ If you want to appreciate more you can act as the horrible guy in the movie ‘Sex is Zero’ to drop your spoon onto the ground ‘A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T-A-L-L-Y’ and bow down to take a peek to her legs or what.” “That’s a good piece of advice” I said, patting the boy’s shoulder. “I think you are the right person to do that” the boy said, looking at me in the eyes. “I will” I joked.
After we had done，we took the plates away. At the exact moment I was passing in front of the girl，my spoon dropped itself. “What the…” I was trying to explain the situation. “It’s really really really …an accident”. As I was about to explain, they said “ok, ok, we got it, we really really really got it, good boy, a nice try.” At last I could only turn my back to the girl and pick the spoon, reluctantly!!
To make the matter worse, from then on, each time we go to canteen if there is a short skirt girl passing by, they would say “hey, boy, prepare your spoon”
There is still one thing puzzling me, what the hell is the spoon wanted to do, at the moment it drop.
我改后的:
An embarrassing moment
Good afternoon， boys and girl. Toady I’m going to tell a funny story about me that happened several weeks ago.
That day I went to the canteen with three friends, two girls and a boy. While we were having dinner, a girl of slim figure dressed in a short skirt passed by our table. “Gorgeous”, the boy by our table whispered amazingly, holding his breath and focusing his eyes on the good-shaped girl. “Oh, man, behave
yourself,” mocked one girl by our table. “It’s normal, and I am just appreciating!! Ok?” The boy justified grouchily. “hold on,” the girl said “ If you want to appreciate more you can act as the horrible guy in the movie ‘Sex is Zero’ to drop your spoon onto the ground ‘A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T-A-L-L-Y’ and bow down to take a peek at her legs or what.” “That’s a good piece of advice” I said, patting the boy’s shoulder gladly. “I think you are the very person to do that.” the boy said to me, looking into my eyes straight. “I surely will if I have the chance. But there is none! Haha !” I joked, shrugging my shoulders.
After we had done，we took the plates away. All of a sudden I realized I was passing in front of the
exact girl we talked about just now，and more dramatically my spoon dropped itself at that moment! “What the…” I was trying to explain the situation. “It’s really really really …an accident”. As I was about to explain, they said with a great laugh simultaneously, “ok, ok, we got it. We really really really got it! good boy, a nice try.” I knew all my explanation then was in vain, hence I kept my mouth shut. At last I could only turn round to the girl and pick the spoon reluctantly!! The story is still far from its end. From then on, each time we go to canteen, if there is a girl in short skirt passing by, they will spontaneously ridicule me by saying “hey, boy, prepare your spoon.” At this moment, I can do nothing but squeezing a reluctant smile.
There is still one thing puzzling me, that is what the hell the spoon wanted to do the moment it dropped!
我对他的作文的评语:
Hey guy! I have helped a lot of people else correct and revise their compositions, but none of theirs have left such a great impression on me as yours! I am really appreciating your creative content in your composition as well as your relatively good and idiomatic sentences, though there are still some grammatical mistakes in it. You know having enjoying your essay, I could hardly curb my laugh! Haha! This article is literally a tasty spice to my life!
Ok
now we back to your essay. In fact I can learn from your essay that you have mastered grammar much better than a lot of other students, but you still need to further consolidate it, cos in some grammatical points you still commit mistakes constantly. Secondly, your essay will enjoy greater popularity and fancy if you can use more apt and vivid adjectives and adverbs to modify the action in the essay as I do, so that you can better transmit your emotion and weave a vivid picture to the readers! Last but not the least, you are strongly suggested using some conjunctions to connect each single paragraph or sentences more tightly! If you follow all my advice, you can surely compose a far better composition! Incidentally, I hope you can enjoy the essay I have corrected for you! looking forward to your next masterpiece!
xiaoqi |
