依靠自己
rely on yourself深圳大学赖小琪
Today it was raining all day long as if someone was sorely weeping, though not very harsh. The sky was cloaked with darkness, which added more misery to the atmosphere. I felt somewhat upset, a complicated feeling stemming from something unspeakable, maybe from the weather, or something else? Who knows?
On the one hand, I love such kind of weather from the bottom of my heart. It is delicately cool and refreshing and keeps me from the weariness that easily occurs in terribly hot weather. But on the other hand, I hate its guts for the reason that it always renders me think of a lot of past memories that are not enjoyable and provoke my nerves of sentiment. I will keep thinking and thinking until my tears almost pour out beyond any control. However painstakingly I try to get myself rid of this negative emotion, I still claim to fail at last. It always takes me a long time to recover and get back on my feet.
This afternoon after practicing my oral English with my friend, I took a stroll around the biggest lake situated in the center of our campus. It still raining, I was upholding an umbrella roaming through the footpath across the lake, enjoying the rippling mirror-like lake in the touch of the rain, though I felt more depressed. I could not help slowing my pace and ultimately stood still in the center of the lake, staring at the wrinkled surface and the helplessly swaying branches on the tree under the violently blowing of the wind. A lot of things happening in the past decade flooded in my mind all of a sudden, happy or sad. At this moment, I felt I was so tiny and weak in the roaring of the wind, not only physically, but also spiritually. I could not help asking myself, “Am I strong? Am I iron-will?” No, I am not. Probably in many people’s mind, I am always standing firm whatever setbacks I come across, but that is the last thing I have to do, for I have nothing else to choose, but to face it straightforward.
I remember the time when I was tortured by my eye disease. Precisely speaking, I was tormented by it for three years. It befell in my second year in middles school and ended in my first year in senior middle school. I had no idea the cause of the disease, but I do know that those three years are the darkest time in my whole life. I became short-sighted due to the disease and my eyesight did not stop dipping drastically until the disease was totally cured. I did not know how many hospitals and how many doctors I turned to in the past. Nor did I know how many bottles of eye drops I used during the three years. I could not think of a day when I did not touch the eye drops, nor could I think of a day without tearing alone in my room or dormitory.
I was thirsty for studying, but my awful eye disease caused my eyes to be blood-red and extremely sore and uncomfortable, therefore I could barely focus on my books for more than half an hour. Even my family lost the confidence to heal my eyes, because in the end, they took me to so many hospitals that they could not find another one near my city.
Scare, fright, horror kept haunting me every day. I was awfully frightened that I would lose my eyesight forever and be accompanied with darkness for the rest of my life. However, never did I think of giving up my studies. I was still wrestling with my study under great stress and physical pain. Even on the bus to hospital, I would go over my homework as long as my eyes were feeling momentarily comfortable. In retrospect, I am now totally amazed at my great ability to keep my performance in my study under such a huge agony.
Finally, I went through the three toughest years and now everything is alright for me. Hearing this, maybe you will think that my family gave me great mental support in the process of combating the illness. But what if I told you not? Will you be too astounded to speak, even with your eyes real open? Definitely, I grant that my parents gave me great financial support to cure the disease, but little mental support. It is hard for me to explain the whole affair at length for it is really too sophisticated. But what I want to tell you is that for most of the time, you can rely on no one but yourself.
Yes, you can just rely on yourself. Do not rely on your parents. Thought they will provide financial and material condition for you, when you meet some difficulties, more often than not, they can do little. Therefore you need to rely on yourself to tackle the issue. Do not rely on your friends. For some superficial matters, presumably they can lend you a hand. But in terms of some real issues, they can just stand by and watch helplessly. And friends I mention here refer to true friends of sincerity and integrity. As with some fake friends, you should never anticipate their help though it might be just within their palms. So at last, you have to rely on yourself to address the issue. Do not rely on your lover. Who knows you are truly engaging with a dedicated one or a real beloved one? If not, he might not care too much about you and probably may depart from you when you are in the greatest need! Maybe you authentically devoted yourself to love, but your counterpart might not. In this world of materialism and commercialism, most people are benefit-oriented, which indicates few can adhere to love under any circumstances. That is to say, you have to rely on yourself!
I do not believe verbal promise, however beautiful it sounds. If one says to me that she can sacrifice everything including her life for me, I will not be moved but will laugh it off as if nothing has been heard. I will never judge someone with what he says, but will by what he has done. Saying is everyone’s instinct, but doing is beyond that. I do not need verbal love, but behavioral love.
页:
[1]