作者: 爱尔兰都柏林大学 赖小琪
今天一位朋友对我说, 他不管怎么劝他的儿子, 他的儿子都不听他的建议. 这位朋友是自己做生意的, 他的儿子在广州读大一. 他经常向我抱怨说, 现在的孩子真的很难教, 因为他们都不会听从父母的教诲, 非常叛逆, 让父母很头疼. 他一直试图把自己多年的一些生活经验和学习心得和他的儿子分享, 想让他的儿子以后的路走得顺一点, 可是事与愿违, 他讲得越多, 他的儿子觉得越反感, 觉得他很罗嗦, 同时在实践中也仍然坚持自我, 不肯听从他父亲的建议, 真可谓是南辕北辙.
其实, 现实生活中, 我们的父母或者比我们年长的人都会经常和我们谈起他们的过去的心得, 包括一些生活的历练, 学习和工作上的经验等等. 他们和我们讲这些东西, 主要是想我们吸取他们的经验教训, 好的继续宏扬, 不好的就尽量避免, 让我们在人生的道路上少走弯路. 然而, 究竟有多少孩子青年会听从长辈们的经验教训呢? 我想少之又少. 年轻的我们总是年少气盛, 觉得父母的观念都很落伍, 甚至觉得他们很罗嗦. 我们都爱随着自己的性子来做事, 以为凭着一腔热血, 我们就可以挥洒出灿烂的未来. 然而, 很多时候, 我们却栽倒在自己的叛逆与自大之中. 好比我以前很多小学或者初中的同学, 他们读完初中就没有继续深造, 而且踏上了他们的工作征程. 每次在老家碰面, 和我聊起以前大家同班学习时, 他们总免不了大发感慨, 后悔自己从前没有听从父母老师的劝告好好学习, 以至于现在由于没有文化而找不到好工作, 生活过得艰辛而且茫然.
父母总是望子成龙, 然而能否成 “龙”, 还得看孩子本身有没有成 “龙”的决心. 尽管我们或许都有过后悔没有听长辈们的话的经历, 可是到最后, 又有多少人可以在认真反思自己的错误之后耐心地听从长辈们的教诲呢? 好比你当初没有听从父母的话而做了错误的决定, 事后你觉得万分懊悔, 可是等一次再次面临抉择时, 你能否真正地冷静下来好好考虑一下你父母的意见? 我想, 大多数人仍然不会, 他们仍然会按照自己的想法来做, 直到再次犯错, 然后再次后悔. 就这样, 我们陷入无穷无尽的自负与后悔的循环中, 直到走到生命的尽头. 而我们的后代, 也或许在走着同样的路……
我向来非常提倡一个人必须要活出自我, 要有独立自主的品性, 不能凡事让别人牵着鼻子走. 然而这是有前提的, 这个前提就是: 你必须对你想要做的事很熟悉, 而且你很明确你自己做出某各抉择后可能发生的后果, 而且你这个后果如果不好, 你可以一力承担而不需要让你身边的人为之付出代价. 如果你真的可以做到这样, 那么你完全可以不听从别人的意见而独立行事, 因为你的思想已经成熟了. 否则, 你就必须要好好听从别人的意见, 特别是在相关问题比你经验的人的意见. 然而现实生活中, 我们往往太有主见了, 哪怕我们并没有独立的资本, 我们也要一意孤行, 最后不仅让自己陷入困境, 也让身边的亲人陷入伤痛之中.
在这个方面, 我深有感受. 我曾经做出一个错误的决定, 不仅让自己痛苦, 而且让家人也陪着我受罪. 2006年高考时, 我选择了报考北京大学. 尽管我当时的模考成绩在我们学校处于顶尖的行列, 可是考北大的机率还是比较小的, 但是考中山大学几乎可以说是稳操胜券的. 我们当时的高考政策是报了志愿再考试的, 不像现在是考完试结果出来了再填志愿. 当时我第一志愿就报了北大, 第二志愿报中大. 那一年中大要求, 非第一志愿报考该校的考生, 如果第一志愿落选后, 他的成绩必须要比中大录取分数线高50分方可被录取. 父亲得知我报了北大后, 亲自来学校找我. 我们在外面一家餐厅吃饭. 他想叫我改志愿, 因为北大有风险, 要是考不好, 最后连中大也没有了. 可是当时的我真的是固执到了极点, 因为从小到大, 去北大读书一直是我的梦想. 哪怕现在机会再小, 我也想拼搏一下. 而且我想, 根据我多次模考的成绩, 哪怕是取最差的一次, 扣除五十分以后, 也比中大历年的录取分数线高, 所以就算我考不到北大, 中大也没什么问题的. 最后, 家人都向我妥协了, 他们只能默默地支持我.
后来结果出来了, 我考得可以说是自己历史上最差的一次. 北大的希望落空了, 中大的也没了. 尽管我的分数比中大的录取线高出几十分, 可是扣除五十分之后, 仍然有一点差距. 当我知道成绩的那一刻, 我整个人都呆住了, 痴痴地坐在椅子上, 半天不说话. 母亲从菜地里回来, 知道我的情况后, 不停地安慰我. 我知道她怕我会想不开, 会做傻事. 她之前看电视杂志知道很多人高考考不好而自杀或者变疯的, 所以她很担心我也会这样. 在接下来的日子里, 全家人都在陪我遭罪. 母亲天天陪着我, 把菜地里的活都放下了, 也没有去市场卖菜.她不断地开解我, 她真的很怕我会出事. 晚上我进房间睡觉以后, 她会打开手电筒时不时走进来, 看看我有没有异样(怕我做傻事), 同时摸摸我的额头, 看我有没有发烧生病, 确认一切都没问题后, 她才悄悄地离开. 她根本不知道, 那些晚上她的儿子根本没有入睡, 她所做的一切他都知道. 当我闭着双眼听到母亲把门悄悄关上之际, 倾刻间, 我泪流满面. 那一刻, 我已经没有再想自己考差的事情, 我只是感到无比的愧疚, 因为我让自己的母亲如此地担忧. 不仅我没睡好, 母亲和父亲也没睡好. 父亲为了让我进中大, 他托了很多方面的关系, 联系到一些中大的教授, 哪怕是用钱把我弄进去也在所不惜. 然而那一年刚好开始实行 “阳光政策”, 这些门路早已行不通. 父亲东奔西跑, 钱也花了不少, 最后还是以失败告终. 听母亲说, 那段时间他愁得无法入眠, 整晚都在翻来覆去. 还有我的爷爷奶奶, 姑姑阿姨, 大家都在为我的事情担忧. 他们不仅要为我考差而伤心, 更害怕我因为想不开而出事. 我当时想, 我真的很对不起他们. 而且我也决定, 以后不管发生什么事, 我都会好好的, 因为我明白, 保重自己就是给家人最大的幸福和欣慰.
因为我当时没有听从父亲的劝告, 结果不仅让我自己受了伤, 而且让全家人跟着我担惊受怕. 那一刻我终于明白了, 很多时候, 我的行为不只是会影响到自己, 同时也影响着我的身边的人. 如果我的某个决定会影响到身边的人, 我就必须要耐心地听取他们的意见. 一个我行我素不顾他人死活的人是一个极端自私的人. 我宁愿自己受到伤害也不想家人受到伤害.
经历了那件事以后, 我仿佛成长了许多. 接受了现实以后, 我就开始憧憬着去深大读书的生活. 那时的我虽然经历了高考的挫折, 可是面对新的大学生活, 我还是充满斗志与希望的. 然而让我现在回想起来更吃惊的是, 正是四年深圳大学的生活, 彻底地改变了我的性格与人生. 如今再回首那难忘的四年时光, 仿如昨日. 我还可以清晰地看到, 2006年作为新生参加军训的我, 在和同学们练习踢正步, 和他们一起吃饭睡觉, 一起叠军被, 一起受罚……那时的我只有一个信念: 好好读书, 不要让家人丢脸.
回想起过去的一切, 我深刻地感受到: 当自己不懂或者目标不明确时, 一定要听从比你年长的而且有经验的人的意见. 否则最后很可能会栽跟斗. 当然, 凡事也是有两面性的, 如果你在受挫后可以认真地总结教训, 以后不要犯同样的错误, 那也是很大的进步! 一个人总不可能一辈子走得顺顺利利, 挫折和失败才可以让你清醒地认识自己, 明确自己的方向. 好比我现在回首起过去的跌跌宕宕, 尽管会感到一定的悔意, 可是更多的是感恩. 感谢上天如此磨砺我, 否则我也不能走到今天, 不能成为自己现在这个样子. 以后我们遇到不如意的事时, 如果可以把它当成是上天对我们成功前的磨练, 或许我们就不会过分失意, 而是会重新振作, 继续前进.
最后我回复那位朋友说: “既然他不听, 那就让他追随自己的意愿走吧. 儿孙自有儿孙福, 强求不得. 只要他不是做坏事, 就把他安心地交给上天和命运吧, 我相信多年以后, 上天会把儿子雕琢成一个优秀的人还给你的! 只有让他经历多几次挫折, 他才会反思你曾经说过的话, 才会明白你的苦心
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下面是和一位在中山大学读英语专业的师妹的邮件对话. 之所以把它们贴出来, 是因为我觉得很多读英语专业的人都会遇到相关方面的困扰. 当然我并不是什么心理专家或者职业规划师, 不能 “传业授业解惑也”. 但起码也可以给一些有需要的人一些参考. 当然我非常佩服这位师妹的学习精神与毅力. 她现在读大二. 我们是来自同一个高中的, 她是在我以前的英语老师介绍下加我的QQ的. 我记得她刚进大一时发了她的英语文章给我看, 当时我就觉得她的水平很不错. 现在再看她的文章时, 我只能用四个字来形容: 进度神速!! 我想, 这与她平时的刻苦用功是分不开的. 而且, 中大英语系高手如云, 在这样激烈的环境中, 哪怕是最堕落的人, 英语也不会差到哪去. 在此, 我衷心地祝愿她可以实现自己的梦想!
来信:
Dear Edison,
How are you? Hope everything goes on well with you!
Last week, 26 of my class had a study trip to Hong Kong with our dean in order to know more about their MA programs. I’m longing to share my reflection on this three-day trip with you. Now that the TEM-4 has just finished, I finally find a time to sit down and type.
It was the second time I'd been to HK. In the summer vacation after the college entrance exam, I went there with my cousin to visit my aunt's. During this first visit, I didn't like the city very much because it was so overcrowded and too high efficient for me. But I found the second visit was really rewarding in spite of the poor living condition. It offered me a great chance to experience different academic atmosphere in HK's universities and to think more about my future.
In terms of academic atmosphere, according to my observation, the most significant difference between SYSU and the universities in HK is that students in HK are learning more actively in a high spirit. They keep closer contact with their professors in or out of class; They take every assignment seriously but do not totally or only rely on what the teachers tell them. They learn from everywhere. In mainland, we have great expectations of lectures. I used to regard teachers as the main source for knowledge and information whereas I now would think what a lecturer can do is to present a possible interpretation of certain knowledge. What's more, I found the teaching HK's universities emphasize more on practice and application while we focus more on those abstract theories. I couldn't help puzzling over this question: If we go on learning Shakespeare and so on, then after graduation, can we survive in the competitive society? I doubt it.
This time in HK, I had a different feeling. The terrific friendly people surprised me. The democratic style in the universities surprised me. The amazingly abundant study resources surprised me. More importantly, I was surprised by the excellent teachers and students there and began to realize that what I had been doing was far from enough.
Coming back, I think I am determined to pursue further study after finishing my BA. Although my mom did not like the idea and money is a big problem, although it's a tough decision because it involves those who I love, I still want to have a try. Instead of complaining about the environment around me, I want to make the best out of it. I used to be a passive learner indeed. I used to be doing what others want me to do. And now I want to start doing something I want to do, independently and actively.
I think that’s all I could come up with so far. I appreciate your time!
Yours Sincerely,
Shelley Li
我的回信:
Hi Shelley! It is really nice of you to share with me your memorable experiences in the trip to HK! Actually I have the same feelings with you for the moment! I really love the education abroad rather than the domestic education. So I strongly support you to continue your study after graduation! But what major are you going to apply for? Still English? Or you want to learn another major? You should think about this seriously coz it will determine the direction of your future effort.
By the way, I really appreciate your English level! You have made a great progress! I think you will be very super after graduation if you progress at this speed! So just try your best to fulfill your dream! If there is anything I can do for you, feel free to contact me!
All the best
Edison
来信:
Dear Edison,
Hi! How are you doing these days? I am just writing to chat.
Last e-mail you raise a question about which field I want to focus on during my further study. I've been thinking about it for quite a long time. Probably I will stick to English, but still cannot figure out which specific direction I am going into. I am interested in translation and interpreting. Linguistic and literature also seem attractive to me. And being a college English teacher used to be my dream. So...It's really hard to decide yet.
Talking about teaching, today I took part in an interview held by New Oriental Summer Camp in order to get a position as a vocabulary teacher. After I finished my 5min trial class, with those HRs harshly criticizing for my lack of passion and inadequate teaching skills, I felt very excited as well as frustrated. Excited for the chance to improve myself; frustrated for the fact that I was such an awful "teacher" and that I knew nothing about teaching. I realized teaching was totally different from learning. Knowing something well did not mean being able to teach well. I heard from Ms Liao that you've taught in some English learning organizations. You must do very well then. How do you feel about it?
By the way, do you think it's possible to change one's personality? I find myself relatively introversive while teachers had better to be active and outgoing. I wish to act like that. But it's often difficult and sometimes painful for me.
Anyway, I am ready to give it a try, maybe two or three or more tries, before making excuses for myself.
Cheers,
Shelley
我的回信:
Hi Shelley,
Glad to receive your mail again! I feel pleased that you wanna stick to English learning in your further education, though it is really hard to outstand among so many English-majored students. But i have fully invested my trust in your ability coz I know you are on the way of striving all the time!
Talking about teaching, I feel glad that you went to the interview held by New Oriental School, though you did meet a blow from the discouraging result and comment afterwards. Yes, I do have taught a lot outside campus when I was in Shenzhen University and it is not exaggerated to say that all of my students loved my classes to their hearts' content. But if you want me to conduct a trial class by the request of New Oriental School, I may probably fail to do well coz my teaching style is a bit deviant from what they want. It is hard to explain in detail here but one thing you should keep in mind is that you should know how to grasp the students' attention and maintain their interests in your class all the time! It needs your sound preparation of the class before you stand on the podium! Also you should know to activate the atmosphere in class by taking all sorts of measures like introducing English songs, holding singing competitions, holding debating competitions, etc. If you keep talking all the time by yourself, the students will feel too tedious and fall into sleep soon.
I am not a psychologist, so i cannot tell you whether it is possible to change personality or not for sure! But one thing I can assure is that once you are determined to do something, nothing can halt your pace until you make a change finally!
I hope my mail helps! And I am very glad to receive more of your mails telling me your feelings or difficulties about your life and studies! I do believe you will be a very excellent English learner in the years to come! Just open your wings and soar into the sky!
All the best
Edison |
